I have tried to raise my children so that they would totally embrace the ideas in which I believe intellectually. I am so very happy to see that their choice of friends, partners, and political struggles transcends racial, religious, social and gender barriers, and I believe that their life is the richer for it.

This does not mean that I can always relate as they do to their environment, however. Within me there is still an unconscious/conscious fight between the intellectual and the emotional. I think that this was really brought to the fore when Sarah asked me to be her “date” for the wedding of her best friend Sapana to her partner of 5 years, Tracey. Sure it was in California, sure it was a long way to go for a weekend, but would I have been so reluctant to share in their joy had it been a straight wedding, most probably not. And yet not too long ago, I remember arguing that gay couples should have the same rights as straight couples, should enjoy the same privileges and the same constraints…as always the fight between the intellectual and the emotional was taking place.

Dragging my feet silently all the way, I headed to San Francisco, with a sense of “why am I doing this?” My presence was supposed to lend support to Sapana’s mother, but who would support me?

On the way I learned that Sarah was to be Sapana’s bridesmaid, and that, Laura, whom we picked up at the San Francisco airport, was to be Tracey’s. Together, they were tasked with gifting the Jewish tradition of the Khuppa to the new couple during the ceremony.  If you aren’t following, don’t feel bad, neither could I!

We finally reached our destination, a lovely property in Guerneville, Sonoma County. The weather was gorgeous; the fall colors in full bloom, the setting peaceful and idyllic. I let Sarah and Laura rush to the rehearsal, and headed to my room.

Later on, at the dinner that evening, I had an opportunity to meet Tracey, a beautiful, warm, welcoming first generation woman from British Guyana.  I also met Sapana’s mother and brother, as well as Tracey’s parents and siblings.  Oh and let’s not forget adoptive Aunt Helen and her two sons.  A grand total of 5 people made up the representation for my generation in a crowd of over 100 guests! Needless to say, the mixed feelings were quite palpable. Evidently, I had not been the only one to come dragging my feet! I also briefly met Lawrence, the “priest” who performed the ceremony.

I was struck by the “World Bank” type of crowd: the guests were from all over the world—Asia, India, Europe, South America and of course Americans—and intent on saving it too! Young couples with children, young couples without children, singles, invalids; all so intense and full of ideals. It was an amazing crowd, what lively discussions were had that evening!

Saturday morning, I listened many, many, many times to Sarah and Laura practice their speech; and yet, I was still unable to fully grasp this Khuppa giving concept! We went out for a short walk in the charming and quaint Guerneville village, browsed at a local flee market, and basically enjoyed the weather.

And then, too soon, the time for the ceremony was at hand. It took place in the orchard of the property, a beautiful space. The weather was perfect, sunny, bright and warm. The Khuppa had been erected—4 pillars wrapped with flowers.  It supported a beautiful quilt that had been hand made by Tracey’s mother. The Khuppa poles were symbolically held by the two bridesmaids, Sagar, who is Sapana’s brother, and Heather, Tracey’s sister.  Beautiful Sapana arrived, on the arm of Aunt Helen, and beautiful Tracey arrived on the arm of her mother, Yvonne. They met in the center of the orchard where a little flower girl, Gitangeli had strewn rose petals, and proceeded together to the altar underneath the Khuppa. It was breathtaking. The tissues quickly began coming out of purses and pockets.

Lawrence started the ceremony, invoking Buddhism and directing our attention to a flower-covered table that was to the side of the Khuppa and which commemorated the couples’ and their guests’ ancestors, then guiding us through an eight minute meditation that drew on the Vipassana technique and a reading of Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians. Then Asha, Sapana’s mother, talked about love in the Jain tradition and blessed her soon-to-be two daughters.  It was then Laura and Sarah’s turn. Finally, Felise, the third of the Sarah-Sapana-Felise (Barnard) triumvirate, delivered a beautifully crafted speech about secular love. Lawrence closed his eloquent sermon by not only declaring the newly married couple “spouses,” but also ending the traditional statement with: “by the power invested in me by the universe and by the State of California,” thus introducing the political into the ceremony and inviting the wild applause of the crowd.

Somehow, during the ceremony, everything started to make sense: the mix of religions—Hinduism, Christianity, Jain, Judaism, each with its own symbolism, the ways in which friends and family had been asked to participate, and the political undertones. What was even more clear was that the force that brought all these symbols together, allowing them co-exist and co-mingle, was the overwhelming love that poured out from these two women, and their joy at being united.

The evening dinner was the perfect finale to a beautiful day: the toasts by Aunt Helen, Sarah, Laura, Sagar and Heather were smart, sweet, funny, and very moving.  But what made the evening truly perfect was when Winslow, Tracey’s father, who until that point had been the most reluctant participant, and had been unable to hide his unhappiness, (which came not only from a certain parental expectation but also from deep religious conviction), asked to speak.  Finally, before all our eyes, he publicly accepted and blessed both the wedding and the joy and love of Tracey and Sapana.

As for Sunday, after a leisurely breakfast, which gave me a further opportunity to meet other wedding guests, we had a long, gorgeous hike in the Redwood National Park before heading back to San Francisco and boarding our respective flights back to the East Coast.

I am so happy that I went, and that I witnessed firsthand not only the happiness of the newlywed couple, but also a bit of history taking place at the same time.  Perhaps more importantly, this wedding, this experience, has given me an opportunity to reconcile the emotional and the intellectual in me, and for that I am deeply grateful to Sarah, Sapana, Tracey, Felise, and many more…

Gilda Dadush