On a sunny morning on the brink of summer holidays, WBFN’s current Welcoming Chair and transitioning Mosaic editor Maaike le Grand, with Mosaic occasional contributor Mary Lee Kingsley tagging eagerly along, held a dialogue with Janine Prader and Brigitte Virfollet. The occasion? Seeking wisdom about the perennially troublesome issues related to cross-cultural differences, from two of the best-qualified to enlighten – two who just happen, conveniently and appropriately, to be members, one of WBFN and the other of IMFFA.

Both Janine and Brigitte come to this subject laden with credentials on top of their own considerable personal experiences. Janine Prader, who originates from Austria, works as a psychotherapist and coach for an international clientele. Similarly, Brigitte Virfollet, of France, works as a professional work-life balance coach specialized in cross-cultural issues.

Janine, in the course of traveling her own path to adapting to a new environment, decided to help others find their way along the complicated route of relocating, and now works mainly with internationals. Paradoxically, after twenty years in the Washington, DC area, she finds that “the longer I live here, the less American I feel.” Early on, she took an introductory course on American culture and was surprised to learn how table manners differ, not just between nationalities but also between social strata: she was told that it is common among Americans who may not have received the benefit of a more Continental exposure, for example, to cut all of their meat first, and then eat it with a single utensil.

In similar fashion Brigitte, with more than eleven years in the DC area, and a permanent overseas “transplant” since 1992, decided to turn her expatriate experiences into a career niche. Brigitte has specialized in ways to deal with intercultural transitions, and it is in the context of this proficiency that she brings up an example that illustrates the sort of gulf that she herself experienced as a new arrival. Years ago she befriended her daughters’ schoolteacher, to the point where she was invited to the woman’s wedding. Yet despite the level of camadery implied by such an invitation, and frequent opportunities that brought her into the neighborhood, the woman never accepted Brigitte’s repeated invitations to knock on the door for an impromptu coffee or visit.

Among Brigitte’s clients, insufficient fluency in English stands as a primary obstacle to coping with relocation. “If you speak the language,” she points out, “it gives you a way to access the history, the culture of the country. Not being able to converse freely, seriously limits you. It can lead to serious isolation and depression. You lack the means to correct (or even discern) misinterpretations and you are stuck with expressing yourself in a primitive way. Adults who have to rely on sign language are like little babies; it is humiliating.”

Everyone who relocates to a new country inevitably encounters difficulties and complications from culturally based misunderstandings. The potential for confusion and conflict lurks everywhere, even between societies that seem relatively close, and topics that seem relatively straightforward.

Take the Dutch and the French, for example, on a matter as seemingly innocent as how to cut up a cheese. If you follow Dutch etiquette, slicing from right to center, you risk being judged a barbarian by the French, who might react along the lines of: “That is the best way to spoil a good Brie—how could one possibly be so hopeless as not to protect the precious center by cutting around it?

In an ironic inversion of their own evolution, some cultures lend themselves to making a complicated situation worse. Problems can fester because it is considered unacceptable to speak about such difficulties, let alone seek help outside the community. Self-esteem decreases even more, and the cycle of depression and lowered self-esteem is difficult to break.

Our modern world provides us with computers and the Internet as tools to help us communicate and find information, but like all instruments of power, they can be double-edged. Brigitte acknowledges how great it is to be able to keep in touch with old friends, even as she illustrates the downside with a neighbor’s comment about the contrast between Then and Now: “When we first arrived in the neighborhood, kids would play around outside with each other after 3:30 p.m. Now after school, they just come home and sit behind their computers and carry on their Virtual life with their former friends; they don’t invest in new friendships.”

Maaike le Grand, with Mary Lee Kingsley

What does it take to succeed in adapting to a country that is foreign to you? Janine and Brigitte offer the following insights:

1. A Good Marriage. It is no coincidence that the divorce rate in international organizations seems to be soaring even above already high national levels.

2. Know Who You Are. A strong sense of identity is helpful. Know that it is okay to be different.

3. Cultivate Openness to “Foreign” culture. Learn the language.

4. Be a Good Role Model for your Child.

5. Be Informed! (Although Janine concedes that if she had known what she knows now about her status as a G-4 Visa holder, she might not have come to the US: “I did not know how dependent I would be on my husband. The inheritance tax is atrocious. If my husband, heaven forbid, drops dead, I lose 50% of the worth of my house! You have to be very careful concerning the legal stuff. Most women have no clue how severe the legalities are for G-4 Visa holders!”) Aside from the fact that WBFN was founded to remedy these very situations, it still often happens that spouses do not realize beforehand how isolated they can feel arriving in a country when they don’t speak the language, can’t get around by themselves, can’t find a suitable job, and/or have no local network of friends. In their practices as coach, Janine and Brigitte have each encountered cases of women so depressed that just getting out of bed in the morning has become an insurmountable task. There are those, they say, who respond by shutting down, by refusing even to unpack. Janine tells of a case involving an at-home male spouse who became so angry in the role that he refused to learn English, he did not take care of the kids, he did nothing of the work of tending to the house. Consequently, when the wife came home from being at her office job all day, she was faced not only with trying to uplift her husband from his despondency, but to do all the household chores as well.

6. Know What You Want. It is helpful to be as clear as possible about recognizing what you want and what you might have to let go of in order to achieve those priorities. Especially when dealing with kids, it can be daunting to navigate between your home culture and the new host culture. There will be aspects in the life of kids that you cannot possibly control. But it helps to be very clear about what you don’t want to give up, and about what is not negotiable in your family. Time perspectives play a role as well. There are those who come for a short stint, who decide they might as well make the most of it by taking advantage of their time in the DC area, by treating their stay as a sort of extended visit, an opportunity to explore the cultural and educational opportunities on offer.

Dealing with these and other aspects can be confusing, but it also can be fun and stimulating as one gets better acquainted with how these mindsets permeate and are manifested in American society as a whole. As always, Mosaic welcomes your contributions on this subject, as on the panoply of topics that occupy our multicultural readership.

So, what cross-cultural differences can have the most impact on the success of relocation? If we speak in broader, more general terms rather than trying to specifically address each individual situation, we can tentatively come up with the following aspects:

1. The Space Between Us

In American society, people tend to keep a minimum distance of three feet from each other, and typically become uncomfortable at the closer distances maintained in societies where population densities are greater and physical space is at more of a premium.

2. Informality

American society as a whole is among the most informal and casual in the world, evident in the ways people dress and greet each other. Those who come from a society where formalities are important may find themselves taken aback by seeming disrespectful practices such as addressing one’s boss on a first-name basis.

3. Observance of Time

Certainly in the business world, time is, for many Americans, of utmost importance. Things must be accomplished in time, on schedule; time can be “wasted,” “lost,” or “given,” as if it were a material commodity. It is considered rude to be late for an appointment, and if you foresee that you will be ten minutes late due to traffic or other causes, the minimum you should do is call ahead. Working Americans plan every minute of their day; this explains the need for appointments even for social visits, and the perceived rudeness of an unannounced visit. Recently overhead was advice given to a nursing mother, that she could “gain” time by “expressing” the milk while driving! The British lady who loved to take the time to care for her baby was clearly shocked by this advice.

4. A positive, “Can-do” attitude

Americans in general seem to feel responsible for their own achievements in life, that almost anything can be accomplished by being positive, “pro-active,” and “taking the bull by the horns.” By and large, they abhor fatalism, apparently viewing those who believe in Fate as hopelessly backward and naïve. Positive thinking is endemic; you can find tons of how-to books written on any given subject ranging from weight loss to becoming a millionaire. Whereas in many cultures it is unseemly to brag about one’s own capacities or to overexpose one’s self confidence, here in the U.S. when you attend classes on how to interview for a job, for example, you can expect to get advice on presenting yourself as upbeat, optimistic and brimming with self confidence, lest you project an image of defeat or insecurity.

5. Self-help

From an early age, American children are taught to help themselves, to take initiative and control their own agendas. Self-importance, self-control, self-improvement and so on; the long list with the word “self” as prefix in American dictionaries is telling as to how much this attitude is valued compared with many other cultures, where the family or the larger social unit is regarded as more important than the individual self.